Thursday, December 8, 2011

Warning...Whining

I feel so selfish for what I am about to do to all my fellow bloggers. I know that there are so many more people deserving of what I am about to request. I really do.  Ya'll have shown me so much love throughout the year and here I am about to request more from you...more more...give me more.

I am going to be honest here.  Tonight I am lacking faith. I am struggling. I promised myself that I would never be in this spot again. That after all that Heavenly Father has blessed me with this past year that I would never doubt him, never ask why, that I would always remember the abundance of blessings that he has poured out upon my family and I.  However as much as I have made that vow, I am really struggling tonight to keep it.  Everyone is asking us for an update for the adoption.  So here is the update...I don't know.  I know you are asking "How can you not know Amanda?" The answer...It is simple yet complicated. In adoption there is a bunch of hurdles and hoops you jump through. First you get the kids, then you have to see how the case goes, then if lucky parental rights are terminated, then you have to wait 90 days before adoption can be finalized but you also have to have the kids living with you 6 months before you can adopt.  Rules, regulations, and sometimes ridiculousness.  Don't get me wrong.  I am a social worker by profession. I get why rules are there. It can just be frustrating. So here we are. We have jumped through all these hurdles, and loops, and hoops, and you name it and we have jumped through them.  We just have one little step to get through and then we can go to court immediately...well sort of ....kind of.

Since we have jumped through all the hoops our paperwork to be approved for adoption is sitting and being reviewed by an adoption worker. She has had the paperwork since September 15 but refused to look at it until the 90 days were up (CPS rule). The 90 days were up on November 29. So now she has had it 9 days. Our adoption was suppose to be November 30 then December 7 and now December 14 which looks like it will be moved again.  I am not trying to point fingers but it is literally this one worker holding us up.

Here is the tricky part. If the adoption is not approved by the December 14 court date we run into some problems.  It will push us into the December 21 court date which is difficult to get onto because judges start going out of town for the holidays.  So that means that we potentially could not have the adoption finalized until the first of the year. We were basically promised that our adoption would be done by Christmas. We are flying out Christmas eve to Colorado. When I asked should I purchase the tickets in the kids names now or their adoptive names, we were told the adoptive names because the adoption would be long and done. So we are running into that problem if the adoption does not take place until the first of the year. A lot of people have told me that they do not even id for children. I have heard that too. I think that one I am nervous because what if we are the one time they do ID...I will have nothing to show and two...well I am whining. I really wanted to be a family by Christmas.  I wanted this to be done. I have been waiting 8 months.  I am tired.

Want to hear more whining? okay good.....This Saturday is our first visit with the birth mother.  Now we have not heard from her for 4 months.  She was suppose to write and send letters but nothing.  We agreed to visits twice a year if the birthmother would relinquish her own rights. For selfish reasons and maybe not so selfish reasons I am hoping she does not show up.  Part of me does not want to see her.  I don't want to deal with all that encompassed that situation.  Part of me does not know if it is good for Millie. She is starting to do really good and every time she saw her mother in the past it would just set her back a lot.

So here is where I get selfish.  I am begging for prayers. I mean really asking you to pray, not just say that you are but really do it.  Obviously I am not the most faithful here and I am starting to feel really dark and down about all this.  So pray for whatever you think is best. My pleadings go something like this "please please please give me what I think is best and what I want!" However I don't think that is necessarily the best.

Thanks friends. I really am not this needy of a person. Just a lot going on. Also for all you English fanatics out there...ignore all the grammatical mistakes that I made in this posting. I wrote it in a very hurried state.